beth, please change…

I am always looking to God for what is next.  How can I grow, change, be better…

But this wasn’t the message I got today.  It was “what about my RELATIONSHIP with God?”  Where are WE at?  It occurs to me that, “I can’t get better” and that is good. The reality is; I can only get closer. You don’t get “good” at relationships, you just grow closer together.  Then the things that are interesting to your friend, or spouse, or savior, begin to interest you.

“God wants to develop in us a magnificent obsession with discovering where He is at work and how we can join Him.”  All I want to do is join Him.

It is kind of surreal, but I feel like I am in the middle of a bunch of people.  Like in the movies where you see a crowd, but then everyone else blurs out and you just see the one person in the middle.  Except that as soon as I see me clearly, I blur out and everyone else is in focus.

I have a sense of recognition of my weaknesses and my flaws. And then right away, I am in awe of the solution! It’s the very thing i am in the middle of!  The people around me that compliment my lack, are the tools that fix, and the rest of my thought…

I feel like God has placed me here. Specifically set me down, right here, right now, with these people who need me as I need them.  I am beginning to understand community

uncle john, originally uploaded by cccbeth.

One of my favorite photos!

Here is my son John with his neice Liana and nephew Andrew…his Grandpa in the background. John is so well liked by those that know him, yes even - or especially - babies! (I suppose it IS hard to like someone you don’t know!)

We had a completely packed house on the 16th for the going away party… distant relatives from Mendota, Yorkville CCC friends, family and artist friends.

Live music provided by Jeff and John, Will “the thrill”, and Justin. Clara went the extra mile and did last minute shopping. Terrel provided our moonwalk for the kids - dropped it off and picked it up!

anyyyyway. sad days here as we say goodbye to John. Happy days as we think of his homecoming.

I do have a lot to write about but have been spending some family time as we get ready to send our son John to Afghanistan through the National Guard.  Please be in prayer for God’s grace, wisdom and courage to be evident in his life as he supports those in his charge.

more later…

Our church is currently covering Nehemaiah in a series entitled “The Leader Within“.  I was so inspired when I heard the first ‘installment’ today.  I’ve been contemplating what I felt was God saying to me “reevaluate“, health struggles and brokenness in general, so I was so moved by today’s message!  And encouraged. 

Brokenness -the realization of how powerless you are to a given situation - is a good place to be.  I used to read a lot of books about the “power of positive thinking” and “if you think it you can acheive it”,  I get the idea that if I do SOMETHING that is better than nothing and certainly doing nothing will get me nowhere. And it is likely that if I don’t believe that I can do something, I won’t attept it or give it good effort.  But I have always felt a little strange about this kind of “I” can do it mentality. I know the mind is a powerful thing.  The fact is… I can’t, can’t, can’t do anything of lasting value without Christ. 

 Nehemiah felt this kind of reality and it drove him to his knees.  What is a cupbearer of the King going to do about something so big and so out of reach?  cry. pray.  I don’t think he felt hopeful on day 1,2 or 3.  I don’t think he did at all…

it’s easy to understand how God looks lovingly at a small child. it’s harder when you picture nasty old adults. until you become a parent of adult kids… it’s a whole new perspective on how precious “I” might be in his eyes… knowing how beautiful these people are in mine.

See below: Guy Kolar Jr (25), John Ekblad (24), Jeff Ekblad (22), Sam Kolar (21), also showing super cute Grand kids, Liana and Andrew and his dad, Andy…

Sometimes I feel sorry for myself, and during one of these moments (not one I am proud of) I wondered “Why” we have to suffer so much. (it actually makes me chuckle now that I am on the other side of it) But at the time it was pretty intense. 

A couple Bible verses hit me.  Of course there is Psalm 51:17 ”The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.” and Jeremiah 23:29 - “Is not my word like as a fire? saith the LORD; and like a hammer that breaketh the rock in pieces?”

It seems all so harsh. Aren’t we made of dust?? Isn’t he supposed to remember that?   …And then it occurred to me -a couple of thoughts about breaking things:

1. Once when I was a kid, I was dusting and I accidentally (carelessly) broke a family heirloom.  It was a leaded glass basket that my great grandmother carried at her wedding. The look on my mom’s face, when she saw it was broken was unforgettable.  She was in mourning.
2. Another time someone broke something of mine on purpose.  It was really precious to me.  I felt like I had been stabbed - I actually physically felt it.
3. And I can’t remember the movie, but there was this scene where the hero breaks this Ming Dynasty Vase worth, I don’t know, maybe millions.  It was crazy cause even the audience was in shock, but then you realize that there was something even MORE valuable inside! (haha, can’t remember now what it actually was!)

My conclusions?

God’s heart breaks when I get broken by someone’s carelessness or maliciousness.

God sees what’s inside me.  He breaks away the nasty stuff I’ve built around what He sees as precious. Once He’s broken away what to Him is useless, or in the way, He can use me the way He designed.

I don’t think I can keep from building nasty stuff around the beauty He created in me.  So I will continue to embrace the breaking, knowing that I am precious.

It’s mold season.  I’m allergic to mold, dust and other stuff as well as asthmatic. Breathing is something I am pretty consious of this time of year. So the book I am reading “Search and Rescue” by Neil Cole has a special attraction for me. 

I love the word picture about accountability and that God intended for Bible reading and confession to be a lot like breathing.  Confession is the breathing out part.  It cleanses, allows space for fresh air and rids the lungs of toxins.  Bible reading is the breathing in part.  It makes sense and is a good analogy.  But what caught my attention today, before reaching for my inhaler, is that breathing IN hurts.

Not the actual getting of oxygen into my lungs.  The oxygen is good.  But the problem is that the exhaling process isn’t working well.  The toxins (stuff that bothers the air passages) isn’t getting out when I exhale (or cough - a lot) so when I try to breathe in - the passageways are already irritated. So it hurts.

When I read my Bible I have to do a couple of things. 

1. Exhale (Pray and confess) - it is so important to prepare properly. It also reminds me who I am in relationship to God. I am prepared to accept the good God wants to refresh me with! 

2. Be aware of the irritants that can come in with the oxygen. This is so key.  Sometimes when I read about women in the Bible past negative experiences I have had can color the lesson.  I get stuck on the woman caught in adultery and why didn’t Jesus demand to have the man brought forward. (I am convinced she was taken advantage of, you see…)

But when I settle myself beforehand I can let the irritant go.  I realize that God is sovereign, that I don’t have to know everything, (maybe Jesus ran into him in the alley and had mercy on him too?) maybe… just maybe, when I look at myself, my sinful, prideful, irritating self…I see that I am that woman, that man, that crowd.  In need of cleansing, in need of grace.

ever suddenly realize, startled and expectant, that God is calling you?   at every turn, he is just ahead - calling, but it’s a whisper. when you wake up. when you lay down. when you drive. when you listen to music. no matter what you see or hear or do. he is pulling on your heart. begging you for time.

check out death cab for cutie’s new song “I will possess your heart”

I woke up a week ago, Monday morning to hear God whispering just behind my ear, “Re-evaluate your commitment level.” 

if you know me, you may be thinking many things…some think i am over-committed, some that i could do more, some that i could do better here or there…we are going to leave all those thoughts alone for now - maybe look at them in a different post -yours. (go ahead. write about me. not sure what it will do for your following, tho!)

All day I felt like there was something missing. God provided it at small group that night.  It was as if all the words that night were words on a page but Mike Bell said these words that just lifted off the page:  “You have to take time to receive the gifts God has to give.”

What is God saying to you about your relationship with Him.  What is he wanting to give you? You don’t know do you? 

We can’t really know, but I think it is a little like your birthday and your friends are throwing you a party at the local clubhouse.  One thing is for sure; you won’t know what they got for you until you take the time to get there and spend some time opening those gifts.  And I bet they wouldn’t even have come at all if you hadn’t at least spent some time with them!

The thing about time is that it has limits.  The gifts God has to give (even grace) may last an eternity, but we don’t get an eternity to choose…It’s like buying something on sale.  If the sale is good through Monday and if you show up on Tuesday, you can bet there is no more sale.  You walk away sad.  You would have spent your money on that stuff, but now you don’t have enough money to buy it.

Buying stuff is a pretty familiar concept for Americans.  We love to shop.  What if you went to the store and the guy next to you said to the cashier, right in front of you, “I am paying for this guy’s stuff today.”  Wouldn’t you be happy, run around the mall, find your friends and tell them what a CRAZY awesome day you had?!  I would.

Or would I? Sometimes I ignore the guy standing next to me, offering to pay.  I pretend he isn’t there.  I don’t believe he means it and don’t want to look stupid when he says, “Snap!” and walks away.  I don’t even get him.  What is he doing anyway?  He can’t be all that generous…and on I go, paying full price for my purchases.  Just ignoring him as he follows me around, trying to pay. Huh. Talk about stupid.